reality, acceptance and giving up

Is it acceptance or giving up to look at the reality of my child? 

Reality: She isn’t college bound.  She may not ever be able to work enough to support herself.  She may never be able to understand money or navigate a bus system to get from A to B.  She may not ever have the safety skills to navigate the community independently.

Acceptance is realizing these facts. Giving up would be to allow the next 4 years to be wasted worrying about obtaining high school credits and jumping through the meaningless  hoops of missing assignments and tests. 

Acceptance would be to advocate for IEP goals that address the core challenges of autism.  Giving up would be working on math concepts that are not functional.

Acceptance would be to recognize the extreme difficulty she has asking familiar people in her environment for help.  Or commenting on someone else’s topic of choice.  Or simply saying goodbye when she leaves.  Giving up would be to not see these as important.

I choose acceptance.  I choose to address the challenges.  I choose to fight the fight.  I choose to not give up  helping those in her school environment see the reality.

The reality is that she has autism.  The reality is she has limited intellectual functioning.  The reality is she has low adaptive skills.  The reality is she is amazing.  The reality is she has potential.  Potential to have success, defined by her learning style, her strengths and her being-ness.

 

 

quote of the week

After a successful trick or treating……

The girl says, “DAMN, I got some good stuff!”

finally….

Finally.  Finally a meeting that was productive.  Finally decisions were made in the best interest of my girl.  Finally her needs came before convenience.

Starting as soon as next week, one period every other day, my girl will be working at an elementary school library.  At semester, she will be alternating between working at the front desk of the YMCA and the elementary school in the afternoon. 

Her days at the high school level will soon be productive, meaningful and functional. Nothing against World History, but for her a job is far more meaningful than that class.

I see her experience in the elementary library to be filled with opportunity for growth and success.  Functional skills related to the tasks as well as many opportunities to interact with students and staff.  She will have to think, problem solve, interact, advocate, communicate—-the very challenges of this crazy thing called autism. 

Finally.  Now, we wait for the solution to become the action…….

 

 

life is telling me

life is telling me I am worthy

life is telling me to release

life is telling me to feel the pain

life is telling me to accept

life is telling me to allow

life is telling me to listen

life is telling me to wonder

life is telling me to cry

life is telling me to wish

life is telling me to let go

life is telling me to speak in truth

life is telling me to be

life is telling me to love

life is telling me to live

the blessings

I was gently reminded today that no matter what the challenges one faces, there is always room for gratitude and growth.  In order to find that place of gratitude and thus growth, one must allow the heart to open and the ”I can’ts” to quiet.

Three women in wheelchairs.  Three women that “cant’”……Today they realized that they CAN and they DO.  They are active in the  blessed practice of Yoga.  They are aware of the breath, the body and the mind.  They found the place of being centered.  They realize that while they face physical challenges, they can still experience yoga, breath and awareness. 

Tears of joy.  Tears of accomplishment.  Tears of gratitude.  These women are my heroes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The presence.  The lack of judgment.  The purity. The sense of complete acceptance of who they are.

Developmental challenges combined with the presence of Yoga.  The breath.  The body’s response to the breath.  Meditation in motion.

I faced each person in the class as we created the Star pose.  I asked each of them if they realized that they are each beautiful stars in the universe.  I got smiles, I got giggles and I got joy.

As we said together Namaste and held each others smiles as one, a wonderful spirit by the name of Dominic spoke, ” I love you, Stacie”….

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heroes.  Inspiration.  Overcoming challenges. Love. Finding your life purpose……

Blessings.

the shirt

At the door this morning I saw THE shirt, the SAME SHIRT I have seen on my girl’s body for days. 

The bus was waiting.  Let it wait.

 CHANGE THE SHIRT. 

Done.  The shirt is in the trash.  Not the best intervention, but I am done with the shirt.

rules

A day of autism-esk comments:

Start of the morning with my girl:

ME: uh, I think you wore that shirt yesterday.

HER: uh, Yah….

ME: you dont wear the same shirt two days in a row

HER: uhhh, I do…

ME: no,  people don’t usually wear the same shirt two days in a row, its gross

HER: uh, well I do

hmm…..

Later in the day during a social problem solving group with five young adults on the spectrum:

ME: ______, you text?

HIM: oh yes!

ME: who do you text?

HIM: my cousins, do you text?

ME: oh yes, I do text…

HIM: who do you text?

ME: my friends, my family, my kids….

HIM: your husband?

ME: I don’t have a husband.

HIM: did you break the house rules??? Is that why you don’t have a husband? You used to have a husband….did you break the rules????

I started the day with bewilderment that we have gone over the clean clothes for years, yet it still seems that rule doesn’t apply to HER.

I ended the day with a barrage of questions related to the rule of marriage…..

I love kids with autism….

what’s next

What is next for me? 

I know that on my horizon is autism.  Advocating, training, consulting.  I want to be more effective in helping parents navigate the process.  I want to increase the awareness in the community.  I want to know that when these kids, including mine, are out of the confines of an educational setting where books and essays and often meaningless tasks are required, that they can succeed. 

I want to know that the focus is on people, not objects or rewards.  I want to know that self advocating is happening.  I want to know that my child has the skills to fill out an application and apply for a job.  I want her to have a meaningful and RECIPROCAL relationship with someone.  I want her to know when she is being treated unfairly.  I want her to see the value in herself. 

I want to help desperate schools without autism training to have the skills to work with these kids.  I want to help people to measure the individual’s skills, not the standards. 

I want to help people accept what is and embrace what is.  From there, we move forward….

 The consulting career is coming……I know that is what’s next……

“that woman”

Today’s conversation:

ME: Don’t forget to brush your teeth and clean your birdcage.

HER: (stomping off)…tell that woman to shut up.

ME: I heard that.

HER: (from her room)…she needs to get off my back.

One must love teacher workdays when we get extra days off together…..

and now I can give…..

This weekend brought to me a new sense of self and love.  Not only the self of the little girl that was once left and then lost, but also the self of the woman.  And the love of the little girl and the woman.  The worth of the little girl and the woman.

I set out to reclaim the little girl.  To neutralize the relationship.

I entered the country from the city with a sense of calm and courage.  I had navigated myself 86 miles from the madness of the Windy City to the calmness of cornfields.  I examined the colors as I drove and wondered what the weekend would bring.  I wanted to enter into this weekend with courage, pride, love and self respect.  I knew I was walking into the unknown, unsure as to how my father would react to my presence. 

As the weekend unfolded I witnessed things about my father that seemed familiar of years past.  There was a sadness in him.  A distance.  He struggled to maintain eye contact and conversation was generic.  He would stay in the room for short times and leave quickly to retreat to the solitude he finds to be comfortable.  As a young girl, I remember similar reactions from him.  As an adult, I felt more of a sadness for the man that I saw struggling to be comfortable in his own skin.  It became less about me, yet I was there to reclaim the little girl, to show her the worthiness in which she had felt she never had.  I wanted to stay on course.

After the first two days, I figured I had spent about an hour in the same room with my father.  I felt myself weakening in the pity.  I made the same excuses I had for him my whole life.

With the encouragement and spiritual connection with a friend, I stayed true to the little girl.  I held my courage close to my heart and I looked for the opportunity to allow my words to be spoken. 

Late in the day on Sunday, he began to speak about choices, life and circumstance.  I could the sense the sentiment in his voice.  My instinct was first to diminish his words of attempted apologies.  I stopped myself and let him continue.  It was when he was finished that I had my chance.  This is what I came for.  I told him of the pain, the hurt and now the forgiveness. 

My little girl self was there the whole time.  She heard it all.  Inside she was cheering the woman self on.  I knew that my friend was encouraging me in spirit. 

I felt satisfied and complete.  My little girl self was content.

As I drove from the country to this city on my return, I accepted the sense of peace.  The little girl that was left no longer feels lacking of love or worth. 

I am grateful not just for the words that were spoken and the sense of self that I experienced but the deep and pure love that a friend extended to me. 

That which was given to me.  That which I received.  And that which I can now give.

The sense of self for the little girl and the woman. 

Love.  Worthiness.