Autism is funny

Autism is a funny little thing.  

In my world it is funny in the way that I don’t ever really need to own or clock or even look at clock.  I know that my girl will eat, make dessert, take meds, get dressed, and crawl out of the cave (basement) on the 30 minute mark.  That is when episodes of Animal Plant typically change.

In the morning the alarm sounds from below and she has a routine.  This routine involves absolutely no talking to her, or rather she does no responding.  She eats.  She takes meds.  She then dresses.  Mess with the order and mess with her.  That is funny.

When she wants something she looks at me.  With beautiful eyes that are begging for me to judt give her what she wants.. (she does talk, but prefers the stare down). Funny.  One might think that just blurting out what you want would be easier than 100 hundred guesses, but I do not have autism, so what do I know anyway?

She will wrap my arms around her head but will not hug me.  I consider it a quasi-hug but would never tell her that or she would stop.  That is not so funny, but it is what it is.

When she is unsure what my mood is, she emerges from the cave and peeks around the door.  She looks.  If I am knitting with a merlot at my side, that is usually a great sign and she enters.  If I am at my computer she will usually stare me down until I talk and then she either returns to the cave or comes to me.  Funny.  Sometimes I want to scream something loud but that is likely to cause her to return to the cave until the next 30 minutes episode break.

She brings me her coloring books.  She opens the page and says nothing.  I usually comment on the coloring skills and tell her that she is doing great.  I beg for her to let me color one.  If it is a good day, then she returns with her enormous box of lovingly worn down crayolas.  She says not a word but just opens the book and slides me the crayons.  I have tried to play ignorant and say “oh nice box of crayons” hoping for an invite to join her, but instead I get , “Mooooommmmmmmmm”.  Funny she knows what a prompt for initiation is.

 

 

 

Because of my girl

Like a punch between the eyes, I again know the presence of a special gift that my girl has given me. Through her challenges, my life has become a bounty of goodness and experiences that go beyond measure. Because of her unique abilities, or let’s be frank–her disabilities, I have been placed on paths that lead me to people that have forever changed my life.

As I look back at my experiences, and in this case, teaching yoga to people with disabilities, I see that at the bottom of the beautiful thread that weaves me through this journey….is my girl.

My girl with a disability.

Because of her, I am. Because of her, I can. Because of her, I will.

me

Turning 40 last year was a remarkable thing for me.  As I turned 41 yesterday I spent some time on a hike reflecting not only on the past year, but really on my entire life.

I wondered what it was like to take that first breath.  I wondered how my parents greeted me.  I wondered when I first felt sadness.  I wondered when I learned what doubt was.

I reflected on my life and on my soul’s purpose to be me.  As if a movie was playing in my mind, I recalled events and people in my life that touched me in ways that I now realize were contracts.  Contracts to teach or to receive.  Contracts to love.  Contracts to experience deep pain.  Contracts to learn what compassion is.

As the movie continued I looked to the more recent year of my life and what it offered me.  I know that for me, turning 40 meant empowerment.  No longer shackled to the ideas of old beliefs, I blossomed.  I released.  I surrendered. I loved.

The tiny little me that came into this world to learn worth and to learn truth.  Grateful.

Fear

My very first experience of sharing space with a person with a disability was when I was 15 and I served a cater for the local Goodwill Industries annual picnic. I recall the fear that was so present in me.  I often think about this experience as the seeds that were scattered upon my life purpose of working with people with disabilities.  Adding in having a child with a disability and I am certain that these beautiful people eating fried chicken were divinely appointed to be part of my journey.

It is not often, if ever, that I find myself with fear when I am with people with disabilities.  In fact, it is more often that I am more comfortable and much more present.

My last Yoga class at the brain injury clinic I found myself experiencing fear.  The emotion caught me off  guard as I spent a few minutes alone with a young man no older than my son.  He was unable to speak and was clearly agitated as  the sounds that he was making were sounds of someone wanting desperately to communicate.  He needed something and I was unable to determine just exactly what he needed.  I found myself in fear.  I wanted to leave the room rather than face this young man.

While driving home I was saddened at my reaction to this young man and saddened at the frustrated he was experiencing at the moment when we were alone in the eating area.  I wondered if many people were afraid of him, or was it my own insecurities.

Upon more reflection of this experience, I am grateful.  I am grateful for the memories that it brought forth in me to look back at where I once was and also to look within at what still remains as opportunity to grow.

 

 

 

 

Receive

I was gifted yesterday with the reminder to receive and to allow the gratitude of others to enter in.  It is so often that when thanked for something I find myself replying with “thank YOU” rather than welcoming in the gratitude and receiving.

This angel of a person was not going to let me get away with such a canned response….he paused and waited for me to hear what he said.  He said thank you for what you do.  He looked into my eyes and begged me to hear it.  He repeated it….and it was then that I got it—he saw me.  Me.  He saw me.  And he thanked me for being me.

Receive it.

2011

2011.  A wonderful year filled with so many unexpected challenges and gifts.  A review:

• Turned 40 in beautiful Sedona with a beautiful girlfriend
• Founded Embracing Spirit Yoga
• Grew exponentially in the area of surrendering and accepting
• Witnessed rock bottom in my son
• Said goodbye to the very  best four-legged friend ever
• Was touched by the courageous lives of many new yogies
• Learned to love kale
• Lost a dear friend and fellow yogi to suicide
• Said goodbye to my hiking partner  and best trail dog of 12 years
• Met a new friend as a result of my yogi friend dying
• Adopted two crazy and wonderful shelter dogs
• Had a medicine wheel ceremony with an intuitive horse
• Bought a 1993 used car with 47,000 miles from an old man
• Maintained 4.0 full time college while working 2 jobs
• Appealed a state decision
• Experienced a lot of movement
• Had a fairly good garden
• Watched as my oldest crawled from the depth of despair
• Enjoyed many cakes baked by the girl
• Laughed repeatedly at my youngest’s humor
• Said goodbye to my morning mediation lap warmer cat, Simon
• Went to a great hot springs
• Took the best college class to date–philosophy
• Challenged myself
• Survived the worst stomach flu ever
• Deepened my relationships
• Lived, laughed, and loved…..everyday

Embracing Spirit Yoga review

In the last 6 months, the non-profit organization that I began to bring yoga to people facing life challenges has blossomed into greatness. Although the beginning of this amazing process had turbulence, the waters were quickly cleared for the amazing things to come.

In just 6 months, ESY has contracted with 5 agencies-teaching 6-7 specialized yoga classes per week, has held weekly free outdoor yoga in the summer months, hosted a lovely workshop, and continues to attract more people with and without specific disabilities to enjoy Yoga.

Money has been made, instructors have been hired, and much love has been shared. In just 6 sweet months!!!

And to think that there was a fleeting thought of not doing this.

Week of the year

As a little girl I often spent new years eve at my grandmothers house. On the morning of a new year, my grandmother would ask that we go to the back door and kick the old year out by saying thank you and then go to the front and graciously welcome the new year in.

The week between Christmas and New Years is my favorite week of the year.

For me this is the week when all of my unresolved spiritual work of the year come to light. I take this week to look back on my journal, beginning with my first entry of the year and delve into my story of 2011. I so love to reflect on the year, the path in which I took, the gifts of challenges and joy that showed up.

I find great satisfaction during this week as I find myself quieter and with more stillness. This week is often spent in a deep settling as the dust of the hectic holidays fall away. A newness is emerging and a gratefulness for what has been in present. Little did I know that the tradition my grandmother offered me would be the seeds of a beautiful practice in my life.

reverb11…take a stand

Take a stand:  In 2011, what wrongs (big or small) did you attempt to right? How did you help make the world a better place? Why did you do it?

Appealing a State Medicaid decision that cut 70% of my girl’s home health care cuts was my BIG stand.

40 years ago this state moved away from institutions for people with disabilities to a home-based health service model.  Earlier this year, the state decided that home-based health services are the responsibility of the parent and funds were cut.

Having home health care services means that she receives support and funding  for the aspects of her life that are impacted by her disabilitie(s).  She gets support for daily living skills and ensuring that she is healthy and safe.  Certainly this is something a parent does….what becomes tricky is the needs of the child require trained skills to be given to the child. And in my case as she moves into the adult world, I wanted to make sure she would receive the care that she needs and that it wouldn’t have to fall on the parent.

Hours and hours of paperwork collection, letters to get written, sleepless nights, preparation for the hearing all came to an end just hours before I met with the judge.

Decision:  The State is re-evaluating the process in which they cut services and for now, all her hours were given back. A huge win for many families!

My stand was added to many families that also took a stand and appealed the decision.   My part was a small part in a bigger process that helped the State to stop cutting funds and for now, listen to the families.

 

reverb11…ordinary joy

Ordinary Joy: Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?

Ordinary joy shows up in my life through subtle ways that may be missed by people not living with someone with autism.  The ordinary joy I experienced this year came in the way of seeing my girl at ease and developing a sense of connection with me.  She teases me, she texts me “I miss you, Mom” when I am working, she pokes me when I am cooking, she asks me if I want to color with her and twice in the last year she has leaned into me–almost considering to allow a hug.

Although the moments are brief and the coloring sessions don’t last long, it is definitely ordinary joy.