accepting…

I just realized as I was filling up my supplement containers for the week that I made it through the 6 year anniversary of my complete hysterectomy with out so much as a thought about it.  

August 30 traditionally, well at least for the last 6 years, had been tough.  That day marks the day that I underwent a complete hysterectomy—the whole shaabang, ovaries and all.  At the time I had no idea that I would be so emotionally impacted by the procedure, but as the years went on I continued to have underlying emotions that I NOW know where connected to the surgery and and essentially, the loss.

However, I know that I am the way to emotionally healing.  Last year as I slept  August 29, I had the most vivid dreams of walking through the house that I once shared with my first husband and where we had our babies.  In my dream I was walking through the house, touching the walls, hearing the sounds and remembering each part of every room.  In my dream, I was weeping as I made my way through the house with such recall and such presence.  I could hear the sound of the squeaky front door, the steps downstairs, the smell of the garage, the texture of the walls.  All the while, I was crying and releasing.  As the dream continued, my final memory was the standing at the front door, looking out and sobbing, letting go and accepting.

I awoke startled.  My VERY first thought was “5 years ago today I had my hysterectomy”.

For several days after that I kept coming back to the dream. For years I had dreamt about that house in all kinds of crazy circumstances, but never felt the emotion connected to it as I had just a few nights prior. 

As I continued to process it all in my conscious state, I began to realize several things.  I learned that the connection between my identity as a mother was greatly connected to that house; I was pregnant and brought the babies home there, I was blessed to be a stay-at-home mommy there, I witnessed many firsts in that house and I truly began to understand who I really was in that house. 

I also learned that I had never really looked the ‘loss’ in the eye and allowed myself to grieve–not only the loss of my ‘womanhood’ but for the loss of that time in my life; that marriage, that home, that time where the kids were so dependant on me and for the loss of that person that I once was.

So today when I reached for my estrogen replacement,  I gasped “oh” and swung around and saw that it was the 31st.  My feeling were mixed; I was sad that I didn’t remember, but also grateful that I have grown, I have moved on, I have let go and maybe I have finally accepted the circumstance that Life has tossed me and learned, once again that it is all a process and all just part of the journey.

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