tugging at the heart

Today was a day.  A day when the heart strings are tugged, or at times yanked.

The first tug happened on a early walk. The birds, the mist, the quiet solitude of the early morning.  I love when all I hear is the sound of nature and my foot steps as they contemplate one after another.  It renews my soul and grounds me.  The tug came when my silly Lab decided to eat a half eaten apple that happened to be covered in ants.  He spit, he spewed, he licked.  He tried several times to eat the apple, but the ants were just too much.  I smiled and my heart was happy to see such a silly thing so early in the day.

My girl had a “mock continuation” today since she was unable to attend her true 8th grade continuation/graduation.  There was streamers, seats, snacks, awards and lots of applause for the four 8th graders that are moving on to high school.  I brought a bouquet of roses for my girl.  The change in schedule, the attention and me being in her room were all a cause for some cranky, dyregulated behavior.  I asked to take a picture with her and it was if I asked her to have a root canal.  I was hoping to get a nice photo of her and I with her teacher, but instead I got her saying, “I came out of Language Arts for this?”……the tug of the heart this time was a little deeper.  Then I remembered….drop the expectation of what I feel she should be feeling, wanting, doing, etc….and just allow her to BE.

Third and final meeting to discuss next years schedule/placement for my girl at high school.  Way too laborious to go into detail (again)…..bottom line is it is going to be ok, yet it shouldn’t be this hard! 

High school graduation for my oldest.  The chapter of his public K-12 education is over, done, final…..   It was an exciting night.  The heart tugging came as I realized on many levels what this means; manhood, college, life decisions, independence.  I thought about how fast this went and how in just 5 more short years, how different our lives my be. 

And through this day, lots of family time.  Seeing families together, engaged in celebration, connected and intact.  The big heart tugs came then.  I look at my youngest son as he is really struggling with the loss of his step-dad in his life.  It truly breaks my heart.  As I drove home with the meditative sound of the soft rain and the windsheild wipers, I began to open up my heart that has been so tugged today and so resistant to really feeling over the last 3 months.  Tears welled into my eyes as thoughts of what if’s….what if we would have learned to communicate better, what if we would have stuck it out, what if he came back and we tried really hard—together. 

Why does my life lead me down this road?  Why am I being presented with this yet again?  What do I need to learn and resolve to move forward?  How can I help my little boy be okay? 

Final heart tug…..oldest just popped into tell me he is going to a party…..who, what, where: friends, beer, friends…..

I think about the days overwhelmed with diapers, ear infections, Legos and snotty noses and I wonder if my heart was tugged so much then?  Probably so.


3 thoughts on “tugging at the heart

  1. How wonderful that they held a separate ceremony. I’d never thought of requesting that for my boys, both of whom have either opted out of such events entirely or attended and then had major meltdowns. (I have a lovely video of Taz at his fifth grade “completion” ceremony giving everyone the finger. So much for expectations*.)

    Congrats to your graduate, and to you for achieving this major milestone.

    *BTW, my favorite recovery slogan is this: “Expectations are premeditated resentments.”

  2. Great reminder; letting our children ‘BE’ who they are. I needed to hear this especially today and thank you for that.

    Nice blog, great messages. Love it.

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