going down that road again

Today was a much anticipated trip to the psychiatrist.  We have sparred in the ring many times in regards to medication over the years.  We have tried and stopped many medications in my life with my girl.  Toying with heavy meds and never getting a really good description from her on how she feels when on the meds.  Relying only on observation.  Time spent in the ER due to reaction to heavy meds.  Not knowing if the side effects are worth the result.

Sitting in the office today, I recalled the previous years of visits in my memory.  The antidepressants, antipsychotics, the anti-anxiety meds.  The fear of losing my girl.  The fear that the med would prevent us from seeing WHO she is.  The fear that she wouldnt experience feelings.  She would become even more distant.

Today when I shared with the doctor her need for structure.  The rigidity.  The inability to be flexible.  The anxiety over slight changes and difficulty with communication.  I was brutally honest about how hard life seems for my girl.  I shared with him the Mental Health screening that the pediatrician did that indicates suicidal thoughts. 

I looked at my girl.  Tears.  Face covered. 

How hard it must be to live in world that is so social. So much communication.  So much to take in.  And where does a girl like her fit in?

We are journeying down the medication road again.  We went with the Prozac.

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