Over the last year I have lost and I have gained. I am struggling to make sense of the possible connection, or simply just find peace with the changes.
I have lost old stories, old beliefs and old patterns. Shed them like a very old and weathered satchel that weighed me down. Constantly there and influencing my decisions, one by one I took each belief and each story and emptied my baggage. Each time I was ready to let go of the old stuff, I looked at how long it had been carried by me and how it had weighed down my body and my being. The lightness that I was beginning to feel was exhilarating as I worked at emptying out my baggage.
As the year moved on and I was emotionally beginning to feel a lightness, I noticed that I was starting to gain weight. At first I thought it was the end of a very stressful time. Then I began to realize that I no longer was seeking relief from my painful life by spending hours at the gym. I was more peaceful. I found beauty in slowing down. I was no longer needing to escape.
Now as I look at my body I try to be gentle with my thoughts. While it is hard to face the reality of what 20 pounds can do to your wardrobe, I am willing to see that I am no longer burdened by the pain of carrying that heavy load of the past. My life is wide open in front of me and I have the potential for anything.
Could it be that by releasing so much emotional baggage, my body has shifted? My body is now at peace?
I see positives in no longer seeking refuge from pain with extreme exercise. I see positives in that my pace is a bit slower, I am less rushed. I see positives in knowing that I am more balanced. I know positives as the heavy bag of burdens is much lighter with just a few items yet to deal with.
My work is now to accept and be mindful of my body and what I nourish it with. Not extreme, but mindful.