I often use this blog space to process feelings that I experience, some are positive and some are not so positive. My focus of my blog was intended to be that of a place to process my journey having a daughter on the Autism Spectrum. Over time, it has become a place that brings comfort through creativity.
Throughout the history of this blog, I have written about my passions, my fears, my family, my dreams and more. Today I am choosing to write about my sadness. I am choosing to process my grief through this medium.
In my logical brain, I can see that this may just be what my oldest needs to move through a very challenging time of self discovery, yet in my heart I simply feel heartache. The ups and the downs of the last 18 months have been a mixture of coping through logic and through heart.
I found myself today thinking about what it used to feel like to scoop his little body up from the crib. I thought about kissing his baby toes. I remember the sounds of his first words.
I remember the ease of a time when he was a little boy. The simplicity of band-aids and boo-boos. Of broken toys and sore throats.
Preschool and power rangers. Becoming a big brother. Hockey sticks and smelly equipment coupled with very early ice times. Middle school drama. Learning to drive. Buying a car. Girlfriends and high school activities.
I remember the sound of the cry as a baby boy. And today, I heard that same sound, yet now, coming from the grown boy. The apologies and the hope for forgiveness. The fear of the unknown.
I wanted so badly to be able to put my arms around him. I know that when he comes out of this on the other side, I will see a new man and a new beginning.