hope

I often use this blog space to process feelings that I experience, some are positive and some are not so positive.  My focus of my blog was intended to be that of a place to process my journey having a daughter on the Autism Spectrum. Over time, it has become a place that brings comfort through creativity.

Throughout the history of this blog, I have written about my passions, my fears, my family, my dreams and more.  Today I am choosing to write about my sadness.  I am choosing to process my grief through this medium.

In my logical brain, I can see that this may just be what my oldest needs to move through a very challenging time of self discovery, yet in my heart I simply feel heartache.  The ups and the downs of the last 18 months have been a mixture of coping through logic and through heart.

I found myself today thinking about what it used to feel like to scoop his little body up from the crib.  I thought about kissing his baby toes.  I remember the sounds of his first words.

I remember the ease of a time when he was a little boy.  The simplicity of band-aids and boo-boos.  Of broken toys and sore throats.

Preschool and power rangers.  Becoming a big brother.  Hockey sticks and smelly equipment coupled with very early ice times. Middle school drama.  Learning to drive.  Buying a car.  Girlfriends and high school activities.

I remember the sound of the cry as a baby boy.  And today, I heard that same sound, yet now, coming from the grown boy.  The apologies and the hope for forgiveness. The fear of the unknown.

I wanted so badly to be able to put my arms around him.  I know that when he comes out of this on the other side, I will see a new man and a new beginning.

 

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