Stone by stone

Stone by stone. Carefully laid upon each other as if to protect from the devastating force of nature, stones have been laid. In my life the stones were protecting the forces of painful wounds, feelings of rejection, disappointment, and a lack of acceptance for my children.

Stone by stone.

Alone I was left to gather up the strength and courage to be the model of love. I was left to make decisions and to nurture them in ways that would allow them to grow into young people with confidence and a sense of value for who they are.

Stone by stone.

Sometimes the stones were large and cumbersome to lay along the way and sometimes the stones were tiny pebbles of kind words and support. Alone, I gathered and placed the protection and love that I had hoped would one day demonstrate to my kids unconditional love that came from the deepest parts of my being.

Stone by stone.

Football games. IEP meetings. Hockey practice. Training wheels. Illness. Broken hearts. Teacher meetings. Ending friendships. Loss.

Stone by stone.

On the other side of the dam resides painful memories of loss. Seeping through the small crevices of the dam the pain has a way of making its way into our protected world. A reminder for me that despite all the work and all the love, the pain is present both for me and for my kids.

In a second, the devastating forces of the pain tore through the dam and washed away the stones.  Now scattered and no longer protecting,the stones lay as memories of the love I gave.  Within my heart I am left with a deep sense of sadness.

Stone by stone.

Maybe now I let the waters continue to rush instead of seep, as I allow myself to fully embrace the pain of the disappointment and of loss. Maybe the pain in my shoulders of carrying the emotional load for the children on my own can be relieved. Maybe through letting the stones wash away and find a new place to settle, I can see that the waters I have been holding back can have a healing place in my own heart.

Maybe.

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