It comes and goes in waves.
In all honestly there are times that I have my head buried in the sand. I can talk the needed talk and make like I have it all under control. I can appear that I am dealing with the uncertainty of the future with my girl in the healthiest of ways.
And then I have those waves of reality, and truth, when my heart aches. When the pain of sadness rips though my heart. When I find myself again looking what is causing her to withdraw and to isolate. When I watch her walk into school knowing that she sees this as torture. When I know that she is working so hard to maintain and make it through the day.
A glimmer of truth comes when I see that her communication book from school has gone unlooked for months. Realizing that I have asked her for it, and when she doesn’t produce it, I give up and silently let her slip into her own world of solitude. I realize that rather than do the work, I easily allow her to be silent.
Then the pain sets in and I am reminded that this is the way that it is, and the way that it will be. Realizing I am exhausted. Realizing I have decisions to make and perhaps a lot of work on myself to prepare for the months ahead.
The waves do not stop coming, despite the sunrise and the sunset. They just keep coming. My hope is that I am able to catch a breath to see the beauty in both as I allow the waves to come.