The reality of the present is settling in. In all my attempts to create something magnificent in the way of my future, my yoga business, and my family, the situation with my back is telling me otherwise.
It was just last week that I was examining the events in my life and feeling completely part of the flow. The flow of abundance, the flow of health, the flow of goodness, and the definite flow of possibilities.
Today I am no longer in the flow. I am looking at the reality of putting on hold some very big goals and big dreams.
I spend time in the quiet wondering what it is exactly that I am supposed to gain from this. Suddenly I am reliant on others to drive, to pick something up off the floor, to close the car door, to open the car door, to lift, to reach, and to basically exist beyond a supine position. I am staring at my full calendar with wonder realizing that I cannot possibly teach yoga, even chair yoga, with my injury. My passion and purpose stopped just like that. The flow stopped. Instantly.
Although I believe I had a deep sense of compassion for others, this has instilled in me an even deeper sense of compassion. I am reminded personally that in an instant everything can change.
What was once so important is now something that I can only imagine. What has been planned for months is now postponed again. What took courage to say yes to is now stopped.
The emotions bubble beneath my ever strong surface. The sadness. The pain of the body and of the heart. The frustration. The seeking to understand. At times the emotions seek to emerge in a tear or in an angered voice. Perhaps my work is to let the bubbling break through the surface and be seen. Perhaps something else is being offered.
And so the process begins again. The process of grief, of understanding, and of surrender.