contemplating things

Staring at the popcorn ceiling for five days as allowed me to spend a great deal of time contemplating so many things in my life.

The obvious, current moment ‘thing’ is the pain and the implication of an injury to not only my business life, but my life in general.  The daily dog walk that refuels my often empty emotional tank are no longer available.  Sitting in quiet stillness is a challenge that goes beyond the monkey chatter of meditation.  Cooking and enjoying meals infused with rich flavor and much love have been substituted for whatever is easy and palatable for the kids.

Another ‘thing’ is the speed in which I realize my girls 18th is rapidly approaching. Such peace exists now when I think of this. Once an event in time that had caused me so much anticipation and anxiety has now become an internal celebration of our journey together. The day-to day reality of this once abstract fear has softened me.  Her age will be 18, but her expression of her likes and dislikes remain as they were when she was younger.  The sense of softening comes from her simplicity and her desire for things in her life that are easy and transparent; her dogs, a variety of coloring books, new crayons, television shows, an occasional outing to get coffee or ice cream, and her love for blowing bubbles on a sunny day. Imagining what her life might be like as a typical 18-year-old gets harder to conjure up in my mind and in return, it has become so much easier on my heart.

The view of the ceiling has allowed me time to contemplate my job, my purpose, and my path.  I am able to my witness feelings of disappointment while also realizing the potential for goodness and amazement remains, though it may not have been in the way that I had thought it would be.  I lay here admitting to myself that once upon a time I would have been filled with angry  thoughts at this situation.  I would have been questioning the whys of the world and pushing myself to heal faster and better.  I find myself proud of my ability to draw inward and know the peace and the faith that is me, even during this.

Another good ‘thing’ that I have reconnected with is my journal.  For some time I have kept a journal where I have placed my gratitudes, my visions, my dreams, my fears and my hopes.  I read through the first entry of this year where I chose ‘devotion’ as a theme.  I revisited the five areas of my life that I have chosen to infuse devotion; relationships, partnerships, health, finances, and soul purpose. Each category having four intentions that  somehow I will interweave devotion–whether by purpose or through divine guidance.  Through the tapestry of these objectives I am comforted in seeing how something so much greater than myself is beckoning me along my path to a greater good while showing me so many ways that devotion has already shown up.

I have learned that I more willing than ever to receive.  I am allowing people to care for me and to love me. I am reliant on others and it feels safe.  I am filling my own heart with compassion for myself and much gratitude for others.

Of course the obvious question that arises between these more in-depth and thought-provoking “ah-ha’s” is wondering just how hard it would be to remove the popcorn ceiling.

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