Chaos

It isn’t like this hasn’t been a lifelong theme.

I have an addiction to being busy.  I create a life of constant going and constant giving.  I have a really hard time saying no and I an even harder time taking care of me.  I loathe the idea of having free time.  I realize that there is some wonderful and enlightening lessons hidden within the chaos.

The bigger question is not what the lesson offers, but instead why am I unable to, at the very least, sign up for the class that may offer this lesson.  I know that there is something beautiful there, but the comfort of chaos is so much easier.

One year ago, I was gifted a beautiful opportunity to embark on a path of offering Yoga to people with disabilities.  Over the last year I have experienced incredible profits–emotionally as well as financially.  I am busier than I can be on my own. The variety of clients that I am teaching to is beyond my wildest dreams–brain injury, stroke, developmental disabilities, autism, multiple sclerosis, cerebral palsy, intellectual disabilities, and more.  Not only am I teaching the classes but managing the website, the payroll, the taxes, the billing, and the schedule.  Through all of the work it has also been an incredible ride filled with grace.

And then a back injury stops me dead in the tracks.  Unable to teach, I have spent the last month literally on my back. All of the time supine has allowed me to look at my life, my choices, and even my addiction.

Someone once told me that your greatest power comes from your willingness to be vulnerable.  Perhaps in this time of vulnerability, I am opening up to great power.

Torn between the comfort of chaos and the logic of self-care, I am looking at the last year and wondering if packaging up the beautiful Yoga business into a tidy and lovely gift of pure goodness is what I need to do.  Putting this amazing experience away and knowing that it served a great purpose.  I realize that I am unable to continue with the pace it requires and keep my full-time job, I see that this may be the Universe saying “you did it, now let it go”.

I have said before that this work is my soul purpose. And yet, today on my walk I considered the idea that as wonderful as this has been, it is another opportunity for me to learn; how to balance my energy, to be willing to receive, and how I can overcome my need for chaos.

Shouldn’t my soul purpose instead be how to love myself unconditionally and completely?  To be absolutely okay with a life of peace? To not hide behind the mask of chaos and busy-ness?  To know with confidence that in this lifetime, I have overcome a strategy that does not serve my greater good.

It may be that I need to be willing let go of something as beautiful as the Yoga business….with the same amount of grace that it has offered to so many. And in letting go, I become.

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One thought on “Chaos

  1. Oh hon, I feel ya. I’ve been working through something similar lately. Giving up teaching the yoga style I love, because it just. doesn’t. work. for my body. I do feel as though it’s clearing things out of my life to make way for something new. However, it doesn’t make it easier to give up on a dream. **HUGS** XOXO

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