For as long as I could remember, I had an internal need to be busy. It was (and is) comforting to be busy. The word need can easily become addiction.
I do not do well with being still; watching television is hard, a movie is impossible, reading is hit or miss–I typically do that before bed when I finally slow down, but before I can turn a page, I am sound asleep.
So what do I fill my days with? Especially these days when I am off work for the summer (one job), and I have put my yoga business on hold. When time is plenty?
Well, I battle the addiction that I have battled before. The addiction to being busy is expressed through my other addiction–exercise. Knowing fully well that this is the time for body to be healing, I am instead cramming in as many hours at the gym or on walks that I can. Water aerobics, Zumba, Yoga, more water aerobics, and water Zumba, and twice daily dogs walks. All feeding my addiction. I have even recently become aware that planning when I will go is as exciting as actually going. Sick, I know.
And the price of all this?? More craziness and more pain. Doesn’t seem to stop me, however. It was just two months ago, the Universe stopped me and since then I have been enduring pain, pain pills and limitation. To a person on the outside of the prison it would be clear to see that what I need to do is simply stop.
Well, try telling that to a smoker. It is not that easy to simply stop.
When I am content and have had my fill, I can easily find that quiet space in my heart that says “you are busy because being still is too scary, look there”. Before I can actually look there, it is time to go to the next thing.
Isn’t the first step to admit the addiction?