The dream

I woke with a startle.

In the dream I walking down a path holding a baby girl.

I remember in the dream hoping that this little girl would not have a disability.  As I walked down the path with her on my hip, I clearly remember feeling like I could not endure another battle of advocacy and of challenges.  In my dream, I looked at this little girl with no face and I hoped beyond any hope that she would grow to be healthy and able to do anything she wanted. Both for her and for me.

At the moment in my dream where I had that thought,  I recall experiencing some sense of loyalty to my real-life girl as I walked along this path.

The startle that I woke with was a sense of betrayal.

The feeling of betrayal stayed with me for hours as I moved about my day.  I asked myself if I was feeling this because there is a deep-rooted seed in my heart that has not yet grieved.  I wondered if through all of my advocacy I have missed out on allowing myself to recognize that this is hard, and it is not the path I had thought I would be on when she was born.

So there enters the betrayal.  How can I be loving, honoring, and recognize the amazing gift that my girl is if I am somewhere in my heart there is a feeling of grief and perceived loss?

The answer is easy–because I am a human being.

The little girl who came to me in my dreams was a reminder to me that there even within all the gifts my girl has brought to my life, there is a loss. She reminded me that I have done a remarkable job being my girls mom.  The  baby girl I held while walking along the path was a perfect mental image of my life with my girl on our path where anything is possible.

After further thinking about this dream, I believe that perhaps the little baby girl in my arms was actually my girl telling me that it is perfectly okay to grieve, to feel sad, and to always have hope for greatness. 

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