I have blogged about being an introvert in the past but recently I have been internally exploring more about my tendencies to withdraw and my habits of privacy. My needs to slip into the background and be unnoticed. I have even asked myself if my choices to exclude my family and friends from the personal details of my life are driven from the place of an introvert or something else, perhaps a need for protection. Over time I believe that I have I learned to protect myself from the criticism of others–especially certain people in my family who find pleasure in being hateful, and yet, I find myself still haunted by past pain.
When looking at my external habits one might argue my introvert qualities–yoga teacher, regular Facebook status updates, jobs surrounded by people, etc. But with my recent internal exploring, I have begun to see the safety in those external behaviors. Kind of like the yin of the yang, I have learned to balance the demands of the external, or extrovert qualities, that exist in me while knowing that the retreat inward is where I truly find peace. Giving the world a little bit of Stacie, while shielding my heart with thick armor.
I ask myself if the protection of being shamed and of judged is my motivator for my choices rather than some introvert quirk. While that very question slips into my mind, the light bulb goes off in my pretty head and I realize, why do I put value in what others think? Haven’t I crossed the bridge of shame and judgement enough in this lifetime? Is it not time to let it go? Again?
Yes it is time to let it go. Again. It is time to fully embrace who I am–the choices, the quirks, the qualities, the wonder that it is me. It is not about introvert or extrovert.
It is about accepting me. Fully.