Finding myself in this new ‘season’ of my life has been much harder than I had anticipated. Perhaps the fairy-tale expectation that I had wrongly put on myself was the first mistake. The second mistake was going backwards into a cycle of chaos where I felt the only safety was to attempt to manipulate outcomes. Reminded by one of my favorite books, The Four Agreements, I realized I was batting 0/2. Thankfully, I remain truthful and it is rare I that make assumptions, so at least I knew where I needed to put my focus.
Figuring out who I am in this new season and not feeling overwhelmed with details of mundane life is key. Trying to take care of the mundane while also expanding my teaching, developing new friendships and trying to stay grounded with much less structure has been a challenge. Over extending myself, re-learning boundaries and how to say no have been a struggle.
Relationships have suffered. My internal dialogue has also suffered. My peaceful presence that was once exuberant now requires a conscious effort to be shared authentically. I have recently battled some long ago hushed demons and I am ready to put the sword down.
My intentions are clear and that is a good thing. I want to peel away my outer shell to reveal the soft self that resides inside. I want to re-create the life of ease, love, joy, and happiness that I know I am worthy of.
I want to know that while I am moving into a new season, I am still and always will be, worth it.