Yesterday I had a post all ready to go and for some reason I closed the tab on my browser before posting it and just like that it was gone. Perhaps an intervention of sorts from the Universe as I reflected on the topic of the post and how even thought it was authentic at the time, today I am able to make a bit more sense of my life.
The post described the loneliness and isolation that I have felt since the vacation phase of my ‘retirement’ from my day job two months so ended. The first few weeks were glorious, but by week three I was feeling myself slip into patterns of chaos. After a complete three-day meltdown of many tears and frustration, I identified that I am incredibly lonely and isolated.
My post yesterday was a flash back to twenty-five years ago when my life consisted of three little kids and my only connection to adults were soap operas. The kiddos dad worked incredibly long hours and my big excitement for the week was getting to go to the grocery solo. I was starving for interaction, yet had very few friends. My world shrank to my mom’s daily phone call, a husband who was rarely home, my kids, cleaning and organizing, and General Hospital.
Today’s giant sigh of relief is that I am not watching soap operas, but I am incredibly isolated. My days are filled walking the dog, driving the girl, and teaching a lot of Yoga classes. One might assume that teaching 12-15 classes to a group of people is social, but it is not. It is a quick in/out interaction based on cueing and verbal direction. And then I scamper out to the next one. My girl doesn’t communicate much unless it is in regard to her topics, and honestly there is just so much one can say about miniature horses and manure. The rest of my day I move through tasks and some hobbies, but I also am realizing how isolating it can be to not be part of a team, or have colleagues to discuss intelligent topics with, or be creative in problem solving.
That was yesterdays post. The classic pity-party-post about the self.
Today I walked in the deep canopy of the ponderosa pines in solitude and silence. Even so much silence, I left my phone at home so that I could be completely alone with my thoughts. I stood along the damp trail that was covered with pine needles, I listened to the bird song, I felt the sun peeking through the tall branches, and I was very aware of my own shadows. My own stories. Step by step, I reflected on my lost post and also my very real feelings. At times, I was saddened by the loneliness and yet I knew being alone in the forest was exactly where I needed to be. Within those four miles, I remembered the teachings of my last eight years and the fundamental truth in which I have based my life on.
The last mile of my walk, I repeated “I am thankful for all that I have in my life”. I made a point of looking around, breathing in, and knowing deep in my heart that growing pains or labor pains can be post painful just before something amazing is about to happen or be born. Growth has never been easy, nor has change. It is the stretching of oneself that reveals more truths, more authenticity, and more of one’s purpose.
Although yesterday’s lost post was rich with vulnerability and truth, this post is where I am today. And where I hope to be tomorrow.
Grateful. Aware. And moving through it.