I recently read a list of the top ten most stressful events of an adult life. No wonder my sleep is so disturbed and my anxiety sneaks into my world when I least expect it. No wonder I feel like I am in an emotional hurricane–at times I feel I am the furthest from the eye of the storm being just the observer of the chaos, and other times I am dead center in the eye.
Twelve months that include major life changes.
Of course I am an emotional mess. Of course I have days where I feel like my white-knuckle grip on the steering wheel of my life is going to crack. Of course I feel exhausted. Of course I cry often. Of course I wake up in the early hours of the morning scared and alone.
Last year at this time I left my stable job that included a steady salary, retirement and health benefits. Not only the loss of the secure income I needed to adapt to, but I also had to navigate how I missed the connection to people. It took many months for me to create a space that allowed me to feel connected to others and establish the time to foster the relationships that were meaningful to me. I had to relearn what my day-to-day could look like. Although leaving my job was absolutely what I chose to do, the loss was much harder than I anticipated. From steady income to self-employed, from surrounded by colleagues to flying solo, from safety to unknown.
Early in the dark days of winter something inside me whispered that I was not to be held within the walls that I had allowed to be built. There was more for my sweet soul to know and although it would require the most courage and strength and vulnerability I could tap into, I knew that I needed to move through it. I was feeling stuck and unhappy, torn between safety and commitment, and yet emotionally beaten down and unable to breathe and be free. I could take no more. By spring, I was so exhausted from fighting the storm that I went deep into survival mode. The primitive type where I gathered up only things that were most needed and I started fleeing.
The last four months I wake often in the night with my eyes and ears trying to adjust to the new space that I am in. Fears lurks its ugly head. Anxiety creeps in. I am caught between gratitude and appreciation for the space that I have made into my new nest, and being deeply aware that it is temporary and to get attached only means another thing to let go of. The weight of finances coupled with the daily requirements of making sure that the finely oiled machine of our schedules runs smooth has been exhausting. Not a day goes by where I am not aware of the responsibility that rests solidly on my shoulders.
Recent days I have allowed myself to acknowledge and recognize that I had three major events in the last twelve months that rocked my world. This does not mean I am a victim. Nor does it mean that my bad-ass way of being can never crumble. It means that I must give myself permission to feel the losses and to ride the storm. I went from salary to self-employed, from partnered with someone to alone and from the barbie-dreamhouse to a temporary bungalow. I left safety and security for authenticity and freedom.
All choices that I made. All life-changing and all part of my path.
My prayer everyday is that I can know solace and peace. I pray that I can be free from the shackles that hold me hostage. I pray that I can tear down the walls that I have created. I pray that I can feel safe in all areas of my life. I pray that I can trust and love and feel. I pray that I can fly from the storm and soar into a life of happiness.
It is all right there within my sight.
I say to myself today, “let go and fly”.