Not

I sit in the early hours of Christmas morning in my new/old home reflecting on the now and on the past.  While I am mostly balanced by the flood of memories and the anticipation of what is to come, my heart is also tender this morning for what is not.

Life is not always easy.

Disabilities are not always gifts.

My family is not Norman Rockwell.

Maybe it was the residual emotion I brought home yesterday from volunteering in hospice on Christmas Eve.  Seeing families coming together in a time of death to love and to share space on a holiday.  Witnessing the pain and impending loss.  It might also be that I chose to work yesterday and therefore I spent the day driving from place to place.  I also spent a good portion of the morning struggling and failing with installing a light fixture in the house.

Hecticness again, by choice.

As a result, yesterday I completely lost it on my girl.  The full-blown explosion that I keep under the surface much of the time.  I exploded on her.  I screamed and I cried.  The reason was small, but the overload of frustration for some of her habits I no longer could handle.  Afterwards, I was overcome with guilt and sadness for how I reacted to her.  Thankfully, because she is who she is, her heart is very forgiving.  If only I could forgive myself as easily.

The tenderness also coming in the fact that my boys have grown and are creating life memories of their own.  I see their photos and am both happy for them but I also feel sad that for some reason, I am unable to create those type of memories with them.  We are very close in relationship, but we do not have the family interactions that one might dream of. There is no family photos of joy and happiness.

I can attempt to conclude what may be the cause of my emotional explosion on my girl and the cause of the boy’s distance, and perhaps there are parts that are woven together. Or, I let go of cause and just be with it.

Whatever the reasons, they matter not this morning.  The stillness with what ‘is’ takes me into my heart.  The shift to acceptance and ultimately gratitude is available.

It is again a choice.

 

 

 

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