Being private doesn’t mean that I keep people at a distance or hide from sharing life’s realities. Being private to me means practicing discernment when it comes to revealing the inner most aspects of my soul. Being private means holding close to me the things I value the most, like love, nobility and even pain. Privacy means rather than being fed by the retelling of stories in order to get a variety of responses and reactions from others, I strive on my own strength to navigate what life gives me.
With that, it is time to be real. To discern my truth. The be noble in my bravery. To be raw with my pain.
For the last five years I have lived with debilitating back pain. I have done most methods offered to me for relief–holistic to traditional. I have acupunctured, medicated, dry needled, drugged, essential oiled, endured surgical procedures, meditated, prayed and begged for just one day without pain.
I have faced these trying times with what I believe to be grace. I have looked for the spiritual meaning and gifts layered within the pain. I have rarely asked for, and even less often, been easily able to receive help. I’m certainly not looking for a pat on the back or even acknowledgement for how I have chosen to face this. I know that the choice that I have made to keep my pain and medical worries mostly to myself was done for no other reason but to maintain my emotional need for privacy and even more, my deeply rooted need for safety.
Well, part of my unfolding is growth in all areas. So, I am owning it. I am owning the reality of my pain and I am getting really real with the truth.
The surgiery I had in April to repair a severely torn hip labrum has so far proven to be less than successful. I’m battling daily pain and complicated pain management while trying to return to my full-time job as a yoga teacher for individuals with disabilities and also the primary caregiver for my disabled adult daughter. My job requires me to be incredibly present and inspiring. Although the work requires a tremendous amount of emotional and mental energy, it is also richly rewarding. And the reality is, it puts food on my table financially, so NOT working is NOT a viable option.
In attempting to reduce pain, I have gone back to my pain specialist for help. Next week I am having a procedure to diagnose the possibility that a technique that involves cauterizing the facet joint nerves would provide longer relief than previous attempted pain relief injections. Additionally, he feels an MRI needs repeating to determine if labrum from the hip surgery is healing as hoped and has not re-torn. Finally, he feels like my SI joint has some similar dysfunction that would also benefit from similar treatment down the road and the extreme swelling in my glute muscles and pirifromis muscle need addressing.
A good ol’ case of what comes first–the torn hip or the deterioration in the spine? More important is not the cause or the why, but instead what is next and how does my spirit stay intact?
At this moment it stays intact by leaning into the pain and circumstance. Not looking for any hidden message or learning opportunity, but wrapping my heart around the pain my body feels and allowing it to feel. It is about grieving what has been lost; cycling, hiking, sitting cross legged, yoga postures, ease sitting during a long dinner, a drive in the car and a day or two without thoughts consumed by pain.
It’s about revealing truth. Raw. Real. Honest. I also have come to realize that within the spacicousness of being open and real the privacy of nobility, discernment and love for self also remain. It’s a definite moment to bask in the process of unfolding.