Morning Offering

Spring is such a rich time of hope.  It lends itself to a sense of newness and birth of ideas and even more, of dreams.  A time when the determination of a plant gives hope to my own life that I too can forge on through the hardened crust and bloom.  Spring is a time of sensational colors and a giant breathe of LIFE.  Too often I find myself forgetting that each morning can be exactly the same.

Morning Offering

I bless the night that nourished my heart
To set the ghosts of longing free
Into the flow and figure of dream
That went to harvest from the dark
Bread for the hunger no one sees.
All that is eternal in me
Welcome the wonder of this day,
The field of brightness it creates
Offering time for each thing
To arise and illuminate.
I place on the altar of dawn:
The quiet loyalty of breath,
The tent of thought where I shelter,
Wave of desire I am shore to
And all beauty drawn to the eye.
May my mind come alive today
To the invisible geography
That invites me to new frontiers,
To break the dead shell of yesterdays,
To risk being disturbed and changed.
May I have the courage today
To live the life that I would love,
To postpone my dream no longer
But do at last what I came here for
And waste my heart on fear no more.
~ John O’Donahue

 

My Introvert Self

I love people—I really do. But I also love taking care of my introverted self and my favorite way to do that is to go into the forest. To commune with the trees and be totally at peace and in oneness by the sights and sounds.

This morning I took off on a solo hike and did just that. I visited one of my favorite tree friends I have ever known. She has been a friend for many years and though I haven’t gone to say hello in a long time, she still greeted me with the same wonderful welcome. I played on the icy trails and I basked in the warm sun. My sweet dog and I crossed over 4 miles of Mother Earth and it was just what I needed to refuel and get clarity on a few things weighing on me.

I love how the sound of my feet crunching the earth somehow brings the answers I have been seeking. It’s like the world stops for a moment and I can listen.

I was reminded again just how blessed I am and how grateful I am that my health has finally returned. I am able to freely walk and enjoy activities without pain. I am so happy to finally say I am on my way!

Of course putting my hands on my favorite tree friend never hurts.

When the Bees Come

If you want something different in your life, go out and get it!

Years ago, I had a J.O.B and even though it was fulfilling and I made a difference in people’s lives (I worked in special education), I knew that I wanted to do more.

I took a huge risk—especially financially and in my sense of safety. Some of you know that when I took a Brene Brown course a few years ago, I learned that safety is my #1 value—a must have in every aspect of my life. And yet, here I was leaving a job with a steady income and benefits to teach yoga.

Was I crazy? Nope, I was determined and I was in alignment with my soul. I was the blossom and I knew that the bees would come. And boy have they ever!

Today, I teach on average 28 classes a week and am abundantly rewarded in so many ways, not just financially. The bees are definitely buzzing but even more important, I know that I am doing what I am supposed to do.

Go for it!

Opinions

I have spent quite a bit of my contemplative time looking at opinions and judgment.  Specifically, where the two mingle and where the two are clearly different.

I catch myself proclaiming opinions but later wonder if these sometimes self-righteous statements are really laced with judgment.  I have been struggling with expressing myself based on my opinions/beliefs/experiences and balancing it with judgment.

Maybe being judgmental isn’t the same thing as having and expressing an opinion. Being judgmental—at least how I have come to learn about it—is not about discernment. It’s about judging the beliefs, actions, inactions and opinions of others. To me, it is that stand-off attitude and make a statement of all-knowing authority that if spoken would make the person feel bad.

Here’s what I see as the difference between judging people and having an opinion: an opinion is a viewpoint, a so-called judgment based upon observation in the context of our own experience and bias. We all have them.

The difference I feel is when we have an opinion with a “charge” to it, when our opinion is fueled with emotion then the opinion is most likely a judgment.

We’re making someone wrong. We’re being judgmental.  We’re separating.

I am trying to learn that it is a waste of time and energy to be so invested in another person’s actions or beliefs. It’s challenging enough to improve ourselves, and it’s virtually impossible to  attempt to improve other people.

Most of the time, being judgmental is about being right. Rather than focusing on being right, I am learning to have a check-in with myself to look for what exactly is behind my emotions and need to express an opinion. Then I am trying to voice my heart-felt thoughts in way that has nothing to do with being “right” and everything to do with seeking to understand.

After all, isn’t being human about being a seeker?  Wanting to understand?  Being open?

Just my opinion. ;)

Survival and Receiving

When I began my Yoga practice years ago it was purely for physical benefit. I spent hours thinking about and working towards the “perfect” alignment or posture.  My addictive personality became quickly obsessed with every successfully attempt of a difficult pose and how could I compete and win against my self and others.

I had no idea of the layers and layers of exploring that would unfold beyond the physical. The more I practiced, the more I wanted to know.

Following my wake-up from a life of unconscious living I started to understand that my existence was so much more than my (then) overweight body. Imagine my shock and eventual gratitude that came when I connected my mind, body and soul.

One of the greatest gifts that I learned through Yoga is my over-active need to survive. As I began to understand the chakra system and how the energy centers play a role in my awareness of physical symptoms and personality traits, I flourished in my understanding of why I often fall back into the old habit of survival. At the time of first learning about the chakra system I was also deep into therapy looking at not only family of origin stuff that was manifesting into disastrous relationships, but I started to look at how I had created walls around me in order to stay safe and feel secure.  For me, this can look like a small circle of friends, meticulously controlled home clutter and budgeting, extreme work habits and obsessions with being busy, reclusive tendencies and other need for control. Through the realization of this, I also became armed with ways to combat the often destructive tendencies in order to survive.

When I catch myself falling back into the patterns of these habits,  I have learned to pause and look a little closer at the correlation to my feelings and my actions.  The penchant for ensuring I am safe and secure can sometimes isolate me from people and experiences that might actually enhance my life, or at the most it might really support my urgency to feel safe.  The work of the first chakra isn’t to become a badass, it is to develop and nurture the aspects of my life that create a solid foundation so that the other facets of myself are just as illuminated.

When I had hip surgery nearly two months ago, my internal pressure to feel safe kicked into full force. I planned, anticipated and foresaw the snowball effect of not only medical costs but also lost wages.  Since teaching Yoga is my primary means of income, the reality was startling. Although I pride myself on extreme financial awareness and careful monitoring– so much that my monthly budget is typically accounted for within $25.00– the knowing that being on crutches for four weeks would greatly reduce my income.  I affirmed over and over that my priority was to heal, not work and I watched my pennies even closer.

Following surgery, there were hours to spend in the company of myself as my body worked to heal.  I practiced a different type of surrender than I had not previously practiced and the softer version of me brought a self-tenderness that hadn’t before been revealed. I enjoyed the new pace and the time to sit and contemplate my path.  I spent many hours being grateful for my life and how I came to be who I am today. I looked closely at myself with a more delicate eye. Through the deepening of my practice, I saw that my tendency to be dominated by an over-active first chakra and the part of my story that has been laced with feelings of unworthiness, I also watched as these feelings had trickled into how I have come to believe that giving feels safe but receiving is weak and vulnerable.  Weak equates to being unable to survive and feeling at risk.

At a cross-roads I saw the trifecta of either surrender or struggle; I don’t receive well, I don’t like to feel unsafe and  I thrive with the challenge to survive.

I am a giver of goodness and I had come to believe that I just don’t receive well.

When a friend approached me about setting up a funding campaign to reduce my financial load, my immediate response was a firm NO. Days went by and conversations with the people closest to me were had, I realized that this is a chance to grow…..with also the amazing benefit to receive.  Someone also recently said to me that as I refuse to receive I am also denying others the chance to give.  So, I said yes.  And I am blown away and deeply grateful.  Besides this funding campaign and the generous efforts of an amazing man, I am on my way to being just fine.  Actually more than fine.

Safe.  Secure.  Surrendered.

https://www.gofundme.com/28dsv84

Shine On

I have found that the last several weeks I have had an undercurrent of anxiety, agitation, and uncertainty.  While I am aware of these feelings, I have found that my actions and my words have been not only feeding that energy but have caused me to really look inward to my own shit opportunity to grow.

During these few weeks I have been looking at my ego and my own responsibility in the my response to the actions of others.  Going back and forth within my own story I found myself used gossip and repeating of the “story” as a way to cope with my personalized feelings of discontent.

I became lost within the story. I was experiencing life from a place I do not ever want to–victim and blame.  I was struggling internally with being valued and being seen.  I was expecting others to behave a way that truly is none of my business.  I was putting a stamp of personalization on my experiences.

Enough.

Today I woke up with words repeating in my head: ‘shine on and ‘live from the space of love, always’.  Choose to get out the story.  Choose to love.  Choose to own what is yours and move on, with love.  Always with love.

That is truth.   Shine on.

Discover

Discover–to find (something or someone) unexpectedly or in the course of a search. Find, locate, come across/upon, stumble on, chance on, light on, bring to light, uncover, unearth, turn up, track down.

In my quiet space of meditation the word that came to me for 2015 is discover. I love more than anything to open myself up to what next layer needs to be unpeeled. I work to have no outcome or expectation, but instead to simply just be in the space of whatever comes.  It is my soul’s purpose to remember what I already know that I have lost through years of conditioning and limiting beliefs.  I am here and I am so ready.

Already this year I have discovered a need for more laughter in my life.  Belly aching laughter that brings a sense of wellbeing and happiness.  Laughter that is authentic.  Laughter that comes from the heart.  I have also discovered that in cultivating laughter I am opening myself up to also bring friendships into my life.  I also believe that laughter will continue to bring out the little girl in me that has been emerging.

My prayer for this year, and most days, is to open me up and use me in ways that bring out the best in others and in myself.  May I be the light and may I always see each day as having purpose.  May I continue to be grateful for all that is.

Grace

Recent readings about the art of grace in daily living have stirred up my commitment of this year being one which I intend to be carried through the fluctuating ebbs and flows with grace. A challenge for me as I tend to be one that jumps into situations in a completely ungraceful manner.

And yet despite my tendency to have days jam packed with appointments and to-do’s, I have sensed an internal state of grace being fostered like a seed in soil. Sometimes without even knowing it, I have been sprinkling the seed of grace with the life force it needs to become a vibrant and viable part of my life.

To me, grace is the ability to accept and surrender. Grace is knowing that everything happens for a reason and to eliminate the word ‘why’ in my vocabulary. Grace is the laughter and ease that comes from the soul. Grace is the simplicity in daily living. It is making choices that elevate me, whether that choice involves the foods I eat, the people I surround myself with, or what thoughts I allow to become words. Grace is granting myself permission to explore my emotions and feelings without judgement. Grace is that comfortable place in my heart that knows.

Reflecting on devotion in 2012

At the end of each year, I marvel at where I have been, and where I might next go. For the past several years when one year closes and a new year is upon me, rather than set some ‘resolution’ I have instead been drawn to a simple meditation where I ask my inner wisdom what will this year bring to me and my year becomes shaped around a word of intention. One of my most favorite hours spent is reviewing the year’s journal to see just where this intention showed up. I am often in awe of the remarkable ways that this thread was sewn through my life over the course of a year.

At the beginning of 2012, the word that came to me in the quiet was ‘devotion’. I had no idea how it would show up, and indeed it did.

Webster’s dictionary defines devotion as: love, loyalty, or enthusiasm for a person, activity, or cause.

Devotion to my health revealed itself to me as I embraced a forgotten way to view my relationship with my body and what I put into my body. I reduced a great amount of inflammation in my life—literally and figuratively–and the results were evident. I was brought to a stopping point to evaluate not only the choices I make with my body, but also a direction my life was taking. During those months of relentless back pain, I learned so much about the opportunity that is always available to have choice. Through that doorway, I was able to unselfishly devote to my own healing and the releasing of ideas, thoughts and beliefs about myself that were stuck in the harbor of my mind.

There continues to be a deep devotion to my girl as we began a new dance together this year. Our relationship has grown and deepened in subtle ways that only those that are close to us can see. Moving through guardianship, Social Security, and a new diagnosis has been a challenge for me. I was unaware of the emotional toll that it all had taken until I was able to complete it all and then step back to see the path we walked. With remarkable vigilance I was offered a deeper level of devotion to my girl and her future.

Loyalty and devotion were presented to me this year with my oldest son and my ability to balance healthy boundaries and unconditional love. Maintaining a strong stance on my own needs and yet allowing him to stumble through his own learning was a chance for me to step back and be reminded that it is not my job to take ownership for his lessons. In some subtle ways devotion was revealed with the awareness of what is mine, and what is his.

The devotion within my personal relationship was evident in the growth in my ability to communicate and to express myself. Never has there been a time in my life where I am more loved, more cherished, and more accepted. I released any fears and walked deeper into our relationship with the strongest sense of devotion I have ever experienced. Like a jar of sparkly glitter floating in water, I have settled into a comfortable state of amazing love.

Through loyalty, love, and enthusiasm for myself I have given my greatest to those around me. Through my relationships, my work, and my daily passion for truth and alignment, it is a remarkable moment to sit in awe with myself and look back at just how awesome life unfolds.

Faith

I have contemplated writing this post a few times in the last several months.  Aside from my own misunderstood identification that I have as a single mom and the fact that actually writing and clicking on publish would reveal to the world what really is going on my life, I am so unclear as to why I have hesitated. I have pondered, I have questioned, I have written and deleted more times than I can recall. I have been struggling with the thought who am I?

If I am not single a mom that responsibilities rest squarely on my shoulders, then who am I?  If I am not in this completely alone, then what do I identify with?  If I am no longer in need of watching every penny spent, then what can I hang onto?

The truth as to what is going on in my life is this: a man.  Not just any man, but a human being that sees me and respects me. How cliché to say that, yet I don’t know how to describe what has transpired in my life over the last year. Now rest assured, I have done my work. I have walked into and out of the fire of self discovery and ownership of mistakes previously made.  I say mistakes because I believe that even the challenges and pain were incredible opportunities to learn. With that said, I know that this man is uniquely different from any predecesors in my life.

It all began one year ago.  A coffee shop and a long discussion on current programming for students with ASD in my school district.  A connection of two like-minded people trying to make sense of Autism.  Him a speech and language pathologist at an elementary school and me an Autism Tutor and mother of my special girl. It was within just a day or two that the daily conversations began.  Daily meaning daily. Sometimes multiple times per day and by August it was more than multiple.

The fall season came with the usual fury of back to school.  Each of our lives continued to move parallel in their respective places.  I was clear from the beginning that I had my work to do on myself to better understand my choices in my marriage and to know that I can access happiness within myself.  I was sure to learn to love myself before I could ever again look to another person to love me.

A dinner here and a dinner there but always the conversation. What I didn’t realize at that time, the foundation for what I know today was carefully being crafted with mortar of respect and bricks of acceptance.  The hours talking and looking deep into the heart of  what it means to experience life.  Each of us bringing to one another perspectives and insights.

Looking back, he was always a few steps ahead of me in the interest of deepening our ‘friendship’ to a place of romance.  And yet, I was sure that the Universe was offering me a chance to speak my truth and to demonstrate integrity. I was somehow, this time around, clearly able to express my needs and my desires to keep our friendship a friendship. During this time, I had a brief stint dating someone who while he was a nice enough guy, he was clearly in my life to test my will power to respect self and speak my truth.  That ended and I was able to call on my ‘friend’ in a time of short-lived sorrow.

My desire to visit my father (the-circle) was a decision I knew was made as I was making my way out of the labyrinth. This was truly a moment in my life that I was deeply taking care of myself.  It was during this weekend that I was more closely connected with myself than I ever recall being before.  During my weekend, I was still in close daily contact with this man.  (thank you inventor of text messaging).  What I didn’t know was it was at this time, his selfless commitment to stand by me was made.  The commitment that no matter what the outcome, he was there to slay the dragon alongside me.  Whatever the dragon may be.

When I returned from my weekend with my Dad (and-now-i-can-give), the world for my oldest was shaken by a terrible choice.  My heart was broken and my world of dreams for my son was temporarily shattered into tiny bits of gigantic worry.  I once again felt alone and riddled with guilt.  Had I not done enough to prevent this? What was going to happen?  My mind was racing and I was emotionally broken.  I had just courageously stepped into the history of childhood to come home to my son creating a very challenging future for himself.  And there sat my dragon slayer.  The snow outside was large and fluffy.  The chai latte was spicy and warm. My eyes were filled with tears while this man sat across the table and allowed me to just be broken.  He lovingly looked at me while I cried.  He offered support.  He listened. I was not alone.  It was at this moment, unbeknown to me, that I was falling deeply in love.

Thanksgiving approached during which I was determined to create a ritual for my children that I hoped would offer a blessing of sorts for our new home and our new way of being a family.  It was my newly found strong voice that spoke my truth to the rest of family that I needed to do this for my kids, alone.  One evening prior to Thanksgiving, the doorbell rang and this man handed me a gift card for groceries.  He knew the importance of this dinner and he also new the budget that I was on.  He valued my commitment to creating a meal that would symbolize gratitude for my family.

Still our relationship was deeply rooted by friendship and by respect. We laughed. We cried. We shared.  We were spending more time together in the evenings and the kids were soon starting to see who this man was.  I was very clear that I did not want to shove this man into my kids life, but instead I wanted whatever our relationship was defined as, to be unfolded like a beautiful tapestry.  I did not want to toss my ideas and opinions onto my kids.  I needed them, and honored them, in making their own conclusion about who he is.  Unfolding slowly and carefully.

What has transpired between then and now can be simply described as if the threads of our lives were carefully woven into that beautiful tapestry that continues to unfold.  Each day offering another opportunity to experience life in partnership.  Partnership that includes and requires communication where the topics are not always easy. Partnership that includes respect and love. Partnership that includes support and encouragement.

Most of all this partnership includes faith.  Faith over fear.  Faith in the knowing that I am worthy.  Faith in the knowing that my life was lived for this moment, this opportunity, this love. Faith in the knowing that my kids will experience respect for who they are.

Faith in the knowing that this is love.